Saturday, June 13, 2009

How not to get caught...

i was going to blog about attitudes in the office and how to deal with the Co-worker who just has an attitude for no discernable reason. But, i'm more occupied with the fact that the petrol prices have been hiked. I dunno whether to be mad, i guess not. it's not really the government's fault. it would be nice to strangle someone for it though- i'm just kidding - of course.

No, no, actually what has my attention now is the certain minister who is alleged to have already been summoned and suspended for corruption. Already? I'll bet this dude just couldnt wait to fly his chic around with him aye? The sad thing is he's one of the younger ministers in the cabinet - u know - the kind that supposed to be an inspiration to other young people... Well that's gone right out of the window now, hasnt it? But that begs the question, did he get caught because he was young and inexperienced in "these things"? Because having a conversation with some other people i have come to find that the practice of flying around with an accompanying vegetable is in itself not a new practice. However, it takes tact and a certain skill to pull said feat off unnoticed especially if you are a public figure.

As part of my Corporate social responsibility, i will now outline How Not to get caught: when taking your partner at large/young vegetable/the woman who you know is not your wife along with you when going abroad on "assignment"

This will be done in a few easy to follow steps.

step 1. Pick destination: this is important to ensure that you and your "partner at large" do not get routes mixed up. It would be a shame to hear that she's hale and hearty in Dubai when you arrive in freezing Dublin and she's no where to be found. It also allows you to adequately prepare to not be seen together. If that last sentence was a tad twisted. read it again. Moving along...

Step 2. Send her ahead of you. Yes, we know you've been dying to spend some time with her alone, in a cozy environment. The airport is not that environment. Why? because you will be caught. The flight is not that place either. Air hostesses know who you are and they like your wife. if she is not your wife, you will be caught. When they offer you tea or coffee many more times than normal or necessary, they're just making sure youu're being naughty so they can report you via ground control. Maintain a cool head. You've waited this long you might as well wait the 14 hours it takes you to arrive at your destination. Watch the inflight movie, better yet get an iPod.

Step 3. Separate rooms. Yes, silly. You cant show the accountant your per diem slip if it says Mr. A on the ticket, but Mr. A and Guest on the hotel receipt. Who is Guest? and why was she in your room? Tsk Tsk... no. The right thing to do is to have her check in on her own and settle her bills on her own - with your money of course, but nonetheless on her own. My strong advice is to find a young vegetable who is mentally capable of doing these tasks by herself. A fine bossom alone is not sufficeient. Many a young minister has faltered at this stage, and for this the repercussions are many. It's trully sad i tell you.

Step 4. Enjoy yourselves, but make sure you actually do the assignment the government/your company has sent you to do. Pay attention at the conference/seminar/peace talks/land settlement negotiation... whatever. Take notes, raise your hand, participate in group discussions. Make sure you make the government proud for sending you. Who knows, they might be so impressed that they'll send you back for more. Ahem.

Step 5. Fly back home separately. I really shouldnt have to reiterate that; but unfortunately, this step is often overlooked as many a young minister will get caught up in the euphoria of having perfectly executed the preceeding steps that he will grab hold of said partner at large by her voluptuous waist as they confidently board the plane for the flight home. Fail. Always remember step 2 applies for both flights: in and out. The golden rule is never fly together, and please do not give her different passport identities dammit!

Step 6: Finally, buy your own baby diapers Perhaps this is a low blow and totally unrelated to our topic. However, i feel the need to reiterate that one should not bill a taxpayer for diapers. That's just wrong on so many levels.

Right, so i guess that about sums it up, yes? Indeed, there may be some steps that i may have skipped. I am afterall, not a public figure. Please bring them to my attention and that of the general public. We all need to learn as much as we can in these trying times. Be well. Live right.